Archive for the ‘Prematurity’ Category

Today, My Heart Aches

Today marks the second anniversary of Madeline Alice Spohr’s birth.

Today I weep a little more than usual for my friends, Heather and Mike.

Today I weep for the loss of my son’s friend, Maddie.

titiandmaddie2

Ethan and Maddie

Today I reflect on how extremely lucky I am to have had a second birthday with my own preemie.

Snoozing and sunbathing in the incubator

Today I hope and pray for Baby Binky Spohr, growing steadily inside of Mama Spohr, to be born healthy, happy, and not too early.

Today I ask you to give what you can to the Friends of Maddie Foundation — for Maddie, for Ethan, for Aidan, for all of us parents of preemies who spent far too long in the NICU, for all the babies who fight daily to survive because they were born too soon.

Under the lights in his incubator

November is Prematurity Awareness Month. Please join me in donating to the Friends of Maddie Foundation TODAY to celebrate Miss Maddie Moo’s life and the success of my own preemie baby.

Five days old - precious time out of the incubator

My big boy now ~ nearly 3 years old

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Heather, Mike & Maddie — My Friends

I first met Heather at BlogHer ‘08, during the Macy’s party.

Casey said, “This is Heather from ‘The Spohrs Are Multiplying. If you aren’t reading her, YOU SHOULD.’

Well, okay then!

I interacted with Heather intermittently on Twitter after BlogHer and knew that she was my kind of girl. The Cracker kind.

When we met at Blissdom, it was clear that we would be friends.

We both had preemies, we both liked to drink and cuss, we both just don’t give a fuck — a perfect union!

Our relationship was solidified on the plane ride home from Blissdom. I had to fly through LAX and Heather saved me a seat on the plane since I was the crackah-ass-crackah that got on the plane damn near close to LAST.

Heather and I talked BlogHer ‘09 and we cried — YES, we CRIED — about our darling preemie babies. On the gottdamn plane. This is when we bonded. For life.

Three weeks ago, Titi and I went down to Los Angeles to stay with the Spohrs for the 5 Minutes for Mom Ultimate Blog Party In Real Life (featuring Chris Mann) and we got to meet the illuminating spirit that was Maddie. (THREE FUCKING WEEKS AGO, PEOPLE. I was holding and loving and cuddling that little girl.)

Wrapped up in Mike’s arms when we walked through the door, Maddie and her infectious smile was the welcome mat for the Spohr household.

Titi and Maddie took to each other right away; acting almost like brother and sister.

When it was time for us to pack up and leave, my son didn’t want to go. Neither did I. Some people you just *connect* with. Some people are your Crackers. The Spohrs are my Crackers.

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Every time I open the computer, I am bombarded with purple and the sweet face of Miss Maddie Moo. Titi sees his friend and talks about her.
I don’t know if it’s a sick compulsion or what, but I asked him, “Do you want to hang out with Mama H and Maddie again?” Titi said, “YEAH.”

“Night night?” he asked.

I said, “you want to spend the night at Mama H’s house again?”

“YEAH!!”

I did not have the heart to say a damn thing.

*******

I am completely heartbroken and have been at a loss for words about this devastating tragedy. Tonight, I sat down to write because so many others have written such unbelievable tributes. I can do at least this much.

Tomorrow I will stand next to Heather and Mike, wishing that instead we were at their home, standing and playing with their dear daughter, Madeline, and not in a Church at Forest Lawn.

Tomorrow I will be strong for my friends. And even though I WILL cry, I will remain strong enough to hold their hands, and offer my shoulder, because I am the one with my precious preemie still alive. And they are not. And it crushes me. The weight of it all.

Our hopes and dreams and plans for our children to grow up as friends.
titiandmaddie2
Dashed.

*******

Please join me tomorrow at 2:30pm Pacific time for a wonderful celebration of Madeline Alice Spohr’s LIFE. Maddie deserves a celebration. Maddie would want us to smile when thinking of her.

I’ll be the one in the purple shirt.

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…But He Was Two Months Early

I still catch myself wanting to say that, ‘but he was two months early,’ twenty-one months later.  Is it an excuse? A reason? A justification? Do I feel the need to defend my son to others? (Or is that really just defending myself??)

Are they thinking that he’s behind, or slow in some way?  It still stings a little, this whole preemie thing.  I almost never acknowledge Little Man’s prematurity anymore.  But the feeling and knee-jerk reaction to do so is still there, ever present in my mind when the possibility of comparison comes up.

This is still hurting me. But it’s not hurting my son.

*****

If you couldn’t tell, VDog has been living too much in her head, and not enough on paper. Or blog. Whatever.

I know this is just a tiny tidbit, but it’s all I’ve got for right now.

*****
Many, many heartfelt thanks to Miss for blogsitting for me.  She rawks, and you should all go tell her so. :D

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My Child, He Breaks My Heart

Heartbreak is knowing your child will be born prematurely, cutting short your time for hoping and dreaming about your baby.

Heartbreak is accepting the fact that your child will be a preemie and that there is nothing you can do to change that fact.

Heartbreak is letting go of all your hopes and excitement for your baby and instead, replacing them with worry and grief.

Heartbreak is seeing your precious baby covered in wires and IV’s at only a few hours old.

Heartbreak is watching your child struggle to breathe — really struggle — with his chest fitfully expanding and then collapsing.

Heartbreak is having your five month old child confused for a two month old.

You know how I squash that heartbreak? With moments like this:

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Not to cheapen my post or anything…(heh)
*This is part of the http://www.bloggygiveaways.com week long celebration!*
Preemies are too small for Baby Bjorns – so ended up using a Mei Tai and a sling for my Little Man.
I have this beatiful handmade-by-a-Mama (NOT me, a professional sling maker, lol) ring sling to give away. Leave a comment that you want it and I will give it away on Friday.  Thank you to all of you leaving comments who don’t want the sling — I love you all!
The fabric looks like this, a really pretty neutral:

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Thank You, Thank You, Thank You

This has been a long time coming and I apologize for my complete and total lack of timely gratitude.

What seems like forever ago I told you about our March Of Dimes Walk for Babies. I put up a button in the sidebar and even got some of my friends to do the same.

These wonderful ladies donated their hard earned money to our team:

ImpostorMom (The first to donate to our team! w00t! Before our families even!)

LVGurl

Anglophile Football Fanatic

(Did I miss anyone? Please let me know and I’ll add you to the list.)

A wonderful woman named Shonda gave $280 to our team and we have *no* idea who she is. So thank you Shonda.

And thank you to all of you who gave money and supported our team by publicizing our team and cause.

It is still my hope that one day all babies can come home from the hospital, healthy, with their mamas. Until that day, we walk, and we support the March of Dimes.

By the way, the walk went very well. Our friends got to speak before the walk about their 27-week miracle, Aidan. Once on stage, Aidan (”The Big Guy”) saw the Little Man in the crowd and they both started squealing, and Aidan waved at the Little Man! It was so cute!

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March for Babies 2008

You may remember way back in November that I told you how prematurity was no joke. Well, here’s your chance to help do something about it:

We are joining Team BigGuy (aka Team Aidan), to March for Babies. We are all hoping to raise money for the March of Dimes’s fight against prematurity.

Here’s what Cracker #7, Karen, has to say:

Yes, it’s that time of year again and Team Aidan is back! I can’t believe it’s been a year already. This year, Aidan is the Bay Area 2008 Ambassador and Bryan and I will be probably speaking at this year’s walk.

For those of you who want to participate, you can go to our team page and sign up to be part of our team, donate or do both. There’s also a link to my personal page on the homepage. I’m very excited for the walk this year, as we are the Bay Area Ambassador Family, and I’m hoping to vamp it up a bit and surpass last year’s donations of $6,500. I’m hoping we can do it because we’re starting much sooner this year. If you have any ideas about some good fund raising activities, please share. You’ve all been so generous already and I want you to know that we appreciate it greatly.

We can’t imagine life without our big guy and without the research and commitment of the March of Dimes, he might not be with us today. Can you imagine that? Weird, right? It really is a great organization and is committed to stomping out prematurity and birth defects. Every baby deserves a healthy start, and if we can prevent even one family from having to go through what we did, our efforts are worth it.

If you can even do five or ten dollars, that would be wonderful. And of course, your donation is tax deductible. :)
If you don’t have a team of your own and would feel comfortable doing so, would you put up a banner in your sidebar for us (like the one I’ve got to the right)? Leave me a comment and I will send you the html.

Thanks so much everyone!

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A Year Ago Today – My Tiny Baby

It’s Wordless Wednesday.

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This Is What A Preemie Looks Like – 5 Weeks Old

I shall now commence vlogging until further notice.

This is of my tiny Little Man at five weeks old. He would fall asleep before eating enough, pretty much all of the time. It was a tough period for all of us. He had been home only a week when Warrior took this video.

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Little Man’s Story, Part Two

Get caught up: Little Man’s Story, Part One

I had spent the last week taking care of Sasha and relaxing at home (since I was already on maternity leave).

I celebrated my 27th Birthday with my family and #4 on Sunday, December 17th, 2006. I cooked for everyone and accepted little help, much to my Mom’s dismay.

I spent a lazy Monday hanging out with Sasha and having a visit from #4 while awaiting my “real” (on the actual day) Birthday celebration with the Warrior that night. I remember it vividly.

We ordered red chicken curry, basil chicken, chicken pad thai (can you tell I like chicken?), and steamed rice. We were shoe horned into a small table, right in front of the register. Not exactly the mood and ambiance I had wanted for my last baby-free Birthday dinner. We had no idea the restaurant would be so jam packed on a Monday one week before Christmas.

Warrior and I were both so excited. I had spent the week ordering the bassinet, crib, stroller and accoutrements. We held hands across the table and talked about the impending change to our universe. We talked about our first daughter, Sasha, and her sad, sad state. But most of all we talked about Little Bunny, as he was known then.

I had just become noticeably pregnant — my belly button hadn’t even popped — as I spent the majority of my pregnancy looking like a porker who eats five hot dogs at every sitting (this line courtesy of my brother) unfortunately uneven in my fat distribution. I told Warrior that I didn’t have enough “Preggie pictures” — and that we needed to go home and take some.

This is as big as I got. I am proud of my Belly.

My Belly started shrinking the next day :(

We realized that this was my last Birthday with just the two of us as our little “family.” We knew I would be a 27 year old Mama, but we didn’t know that Warrior would be a 33 year old Papa. We thought we would have one more just-the-couple Birthday to celebrate, Warrior’s 34th, three weeks before our due date.

We went to bed with dreams of Little Bunny and parenthood racing through our heads.

The next morning, Tuesday, December 19th, was uneventful. I went downstairs and brought my cereal back up to our room to be with Sasha (we were taking our meals and living completely upstairs due to her surgery). I surfed the Internet from the La-Z-Boy and enjoyed the sun streaming in through the sliding glass doors.

As I prepared for my nap (I was constantly tired throughout my pregnancy, and napped often — the luxuries of a first pregnancy!) I noticed a clear discharge that was “different.” I thought about it for about a minute, since I had just read in one of those helpful books that you need to watch out for something of that nature, as it could one of the first signs that your water has broken, or you have a leak. I thought, “hmm, that’s weird,” and then went to sleep.

When I woke up about an hour and a half later, my thighs were wet. Not soaked, but wet. There were also a few small wet spots on the pillowcase of the pillow I was using between my knees. I thought, “either I’ve peed myself, or my water has broken.” I went to the toilet and felt a trickle. I was pretty sure I hadn’t peed myself.

So I called the doctor’s office, and said, “Hi, this is VDog (not really), I’m at 30 weeks, and I think that my water has broken. I woke up from my nap and my thighs were wet blah blah blah, I could have just peed myself, but I’m pretty sure that my water has broken.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure.”

“Ok, the doctor is on-call at the hospital right now; I’ll have her give you a call.”

The doctor literally called me back within three minutes. She has always been prompt at returning my calls, but I knew this meant it was SERIOUS.

“Doctor Amy” (she actually says, “this is Amy”; I LOVE that) has a very soothing, calming voice, and it was very reassuring for me to hear her voice. Although what she had to say was not reassuring — after I told her what had been going on, she said, “Well, it definitely has to be checked out, and the best place to do that is here in Labor & Delivery.”

This concludes Part Two. Stay tuned for Part Three where I FREAK OUT!!! and get hospitalized.

I promise to not let so much time lapse between “episodes” Two and Three!

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Le Sigh

I just had a trying dinner with the Little Man, to say the least. He wouldn’t eat anything I put in front of him. Not even Cheerios. It was that damn bad.

I managed to get some baby food down him, and his reflux medicine.

By the end of the meal, both my shirt and pants were wet.

He refused to take his nap this afternoon, which no doubt was the reason for him being Fussy McFusserson tonight. But the rest of the day had been nice. What happened? Ugh.

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Little Man has managed to chip his left front tooth after he had it for only about two weeks. This says to me that I am in serious trouble for the future. I have no idea how he did it. I can only “look forward” to more of his craziness as he gets older.

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Today at Gymboree I got the dreaded dropped octave “Oh.” You know the one? Where the person you are talking to lowers their voice and gives you that, “OH” (while they think to themselves, “how awful, OMG, what do I say now?”).

We are trying out the “Level 3″ classes since that is the age range Little Man is supposed to be in now — 10 to 16 months — and the minimum requirement skills-wise is that they be able to crawl. These classes are a whole different beast than the mellow, barely moving and shaking Level 2 classes for the 6 to 10 month olds.

I’ve noticed that Little Man is by far the least advanced and the shrimpiest out of the kids (but to be fair, there are SIXTEEN MONTH OLDS (!!!) there).

One boy I saw looked somewhat in the same range as Little Man, size-wise, so I asked how old “Jack” was. The mom said, “one next week.”

She asked me about Little Man and I said that he’ll be one three weeks from today, on New Year’s Day.

“Oh, wow! When did you go in the hospital? When did you know?” she asked.

“Actually I went into the hospital with pre-term labor on December 19th at 30 weeks, and he was born at 32 weeks,” I replied.

Oh.”
“Well he seems to be fine now!”

“Yeah, he’s doing great,” I shrank, absorbing the “Oh” of pity.

I haven’t gotten that “oh” in a long time. Since Little Man has grown so tall, I’ve stopped getting the OMFG, WHY is your baby SO SMALL?!?!?!

Once, when he was five months old, a woman asked if he was two months old. That one really hurt.

It’s so hard when I feel like people think that there’s something “wrong” with my baby.

I can’t believe the number of people who asked me in the last month if Little Man is walking yet. I mean, how many full-term ten month old boys do you know that are walking?? I don’t know any. Grr….

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I’m feeling sensitive and a bit raw today.

*Le Sigh.*

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