VDog Blog

November 11th, 2009
Tags: Friends of Maddie, loss, Mommy Blogging, Prematurity
Posted in Little Man, Mommyhood, NICU, Prematurity, Sad Times & Other Shit That Happens 8 Comments

Today marks the second anniversary of Madeline Alice Spohr’s birth.

Today I weep a little more than usual for my friends, Heather and Mike.

Today I weep for the loss of my son’s friend, Maddie.

Ethan and Maddie

Today I reflect on how extremely lucky I am to have had a second birthday with my own preemie.

Snoozing and sunbathing in the incubator

Today I hope and pray for Baby Binky Spohr, growing steadily inside of Mama Spohr, to be born healthy, happy, and not too early.

Today I ask you to give what you can to the Friends of Maddie Foundation — for Maddie, for Ethan, for Aidan, for all of us parents of preemies who spent far too long in the NICU, for all the babies who fight daily to survive because they were born too soon.

Under the lights in his incubator

November is Prematurity Awareness Month. Please join me in donating to the Friends of Maddie Foundation TODAY to celebrate Miss Maddie Moo’s life and the success of my own preemie baby.

Five days old - precious time out of the incubator

My big boy now ~ nearly 3 years old

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November 7th, 2009
Tags: loss, miscarriage, Mommy Blogging
Posted in Little Man, Mommyhood, My Body Can #suckit, Profile of a Cracker, VDog 5 Comments

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Especially when asked if we’ll be having more children. So very thankful for the one I DO have.

In good news, I went back to the Endocrinologist yesterday and my crackah-ass thyroid is FINALLY back to “normal” after nearly 3 years of messing with medications. I’m not going to hold my breath that this lasts.

Have a good weekend, everyone! A huge THANK YOU to our Troops & Veterans on this early Veteran’s Day Weekend.

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October 8th, 2009
Tags: self-realization, Who Do I Think I Am?
Posted in Mommyhood, Random Thoughts, VDog 15 Comments

Sometimes I want to unplug everything and drop out. Maybe I just need a vacation. One where I don’t break anything.

I’m not sure what I think unplugging will accomplish or “fix.”

I have a need to simplify my life and my commitments. I am overwhelmed easily. I try to cut out or avoid unnecessary static.

I want the channel flowing through my brain to be clear and full and peaceful.

I need to breathe.

I need space to expand my lungs and inhale life with steady, rhythmic beats, not shallow, frenetic syncopations.

I need to stretch out my limbs like I am reaching for that soft pillow of comfort that is constantly just out of reach.

I need to close my eyes and expand my chest cavity, arcing my arms backward, as if I were saluting the sun.

I need to sleep in deep dark caves of dreams that are magically filled with light and rainbows.

I want to be stern but loving, patient but punctual, open but aware.

I want to make sense of this new space and place in which I now live.

I want to be VDog. I want to be Victoria. I want to be Mother, lover, friend, sister, confidante, clown, vixen, firecracker, voice of reason, starter of ridiculousness, decision maker, and an individual.

I want to be ME.

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August 3rd, 2009
Tags: 30 Days, Blogging, Who Do I Think I Am?
Posted in Mommyhood, VDog 6 Comments

Mrs. Flinger, aka Leslie, aka one of my bestest buddies in the whole wide world and THE sexiest coder I know (phew!) came up with a new crackpot scheme: do something everyday for thirty days. We’re hosting it over on my not a mommy blog, Room 704.

Today I am on Day 3 of *trying* to be patient. To be exact, MORE patient than I usually am. See days 1 & 2 over at Room 704 to catch up.

I’m a yeller. Always have been, probably always will be. I don’t mind yelling except for when I do it out of anger. Then I feel bad. Very, very bad. I don’t want to hurt the ones I love (because I don’t make it a habit of yelling at strangers. Although there WAS this one time…) nor do I want to scare them.

So I am working on my patience. Today I’ve been MORE patient than I think I would have been had I not been undertaking this crackpot scheme of Leslie’s. However, I DID mutter something like, ‘STAY IN YOUR FUCKING LANE, ASSHOLE!’ while I was driving. BUT! I didn’t yell it. So, partial WIN. Snort.

Really this is an exercise in self-realization and self-control. I’m pretty good at the former and need a fair amount of work on the latter.

Join me as I embark on this crackpot journey and find out who I really am {under pressure}.

(Yes, this means I will be blogging more, BUT I will be internet free for the middle two weeks of the month (LIKE, ZOMG!!!), so I will write down my observations ON PAPER (how barbaric, I know) and report back when we return to civilization.)

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August 2nd, 2009
Tags: Mommy Blogging, Potty Training, Terrible Two's
Posted in Dear..., Little Man, Mommyhood, Update, VDog 10 Comments

Dear Little Man,

I can’t believe how much you have grown in the year since I stopped Mommy Blogging (Let’s face it — I totally let this ship sink. But can you blame me?? You are WAY more work now. You just. don’t. stop. (Moving on.)).

I love that you still say you are “Mama’s baby.” You make sure I know, and Daddy knows, that YOU are MY baby and Daddy’s Big Boy.

You have a smile that will excuse most of your sins. Flashing that grin and trying to win us over to avoid a time-out? Pretty sure you learned that trick from Mama.

One day a few months ago, you told me that you wanted to go pee-pee on the potty. I was compliant, as usual, but VERY surprised when you actually wanted to pull down your pants and diaper and then proceeded to PEE! ON THE POTTY!!! Like, WHOA, dude.

Since then we’ve had our accidents and what are clearly NOT accidents, but you pretty much potty trained yourself at two and a half. Pretty cool, dude. We’re proud and stuff, but it’d be okay if you still wanted to piss in your diapers. But the pooping on the potty thing?? FUCK YES. Thank you sweet baby Jesus.

You are clear about wanting a baby brother and NOT a baby sister. We’re not sure what that says about your relationships with your friends, but we’re hoping you’ll like a baby sister just as well if that’s what you end up with. We’d like to be working on that project, but DANG KID, you could go to bed a little bit earlier, mmkay?? Help a mom out.

You started “toddler school” in June with your best girl friend, CC. At first you hated being left, but now you LOVE it. We even had one of your teachers babysit last night and you were like, “Later dudes!! Get the eff out cuz I gots a hot date with my fave teach!!” and we were all, “Well OKAY THEN!! We’ll LEAVE!! Love ya, bye!!!” So we went out and had a fabulous time.

If I could make a request it would be that you quit the ugly face and whiny voice. That shit is TOTALLY annoying. CAN. NOT. STAND. IT. And don’t try to work that smile on me, baby! NOT WORKING THIS TIME!!

One incarnation of the Ugly Face

No matter what, I love you, my Big Boy. Don’t worry, you’ll always be my Baby.

Love,
Mama V

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October 23rd, 2008
Posted in Depression, Mommyhood, Random Thoughts, VDog 21 Comments

(Better settle in kids, it’s a long one (by VDog standards).)

I had posted two times in one week. Two times!! Not only in one week, oh no! In two days.

I knew it could quite possibly be a mistake even as I was hitting the “publish post” button. VDog just don’t publish two times a week, people. So I got cocky. I thought to myself, ‘wow! Now I have the rest of the week to slack off!’ blog wise, that is.

So I went about trying to be a good housewifey and mama. Dishes were unloaded. Laundry was done. Outings were had.

This same week was the week that the GranCracker left after a two week stay. She had been cooking dinner every night (AWESOME and gourmet n shit!) and was watching the Little Man every morning so that I could take a shower. Cuz honestly? Mama V don’t get showers more than two times a week either. Gross, I know.

So we’re trottin’ along, accomplishments stacking up, and then it hits me…the big bad depression. When really, what did I have to be depressed about? My life is actually really really good and I have a ton to be thankful for.

BUT, I have been prone to depression before and lived through deep dark recesses of time where sometimes I couldn’t even get out of bed. Times where I wouldn’t go to school for a week, or two weeks, and I would just cry. Or sleep. Or feel sorry for myself.

Because I DID have reasons. Reasons to feel worthless. Reasons to feel not good enough. Never good enough. Reasons too deep and dark for VDog’s Blog, so let’s just say four years of intense therapy made things much, much better.

And yet here I was, hit by a Mack truck of hormones and genetic predispositions that I couldn’t do anything about. I’ve always had a reason to be depressed, and this Fall, I really felt like, “SHIT! I’ve got a great life and I STILL feel depressed?? WTF?”

Dawn asked if there were any emotional minefields for me in September. Well there’s one personally big one, and then there’s the Country’s big one. There’s what Dawn and I have come to call “Dead Dad Day” or “Dead Dad Anniversary.” That’s the beginning of September for me, and then, of course, there’s the 9/11 Anniversary.

9/11 happened my Senior year of College. Warrior got me out of bed, and I sat, sleepy-eyed, and watched the horror on our television screen. It took a few weeks to sink in, and once again I fell into a depression and skipped two weeks of school. The only reason I ever return(ed) is because I, ya know, kinda cared about my grades and graduating ‘on-time’ and stuff.

Now I’m thinking it’s pretty ridiculous for me to think that I can get away from years of serious depression without having some sort of relapse. I got through all the worst times in my life without medication because both my therapist and I felt, well, I had serious reasons TO be depressed. I probably could have felt better a lot sooner WITH some meds though.

So here I am now, feeling magically better, but still considering that magic pill. Will it make me more effective as a person? Will it let me handle stress more evenly? Will it make me less VDog?

Another thing I’ve realized is that when I’m continually surrounded by more people than just the Little Man and Warrior (e.g., GranCracker’s visit), I get a HUGE let down afterwards. It’s happened to me a couple of time before, and I know now that I need to watch out for THAT minefield as well. I’m learning that I truly enjoy being more social and when that “village” disappears, I get depressed.

As for my last post, I want to thank you all for your wonderful, supportive, helpful comments. My issue is that I keep having that hold-your-breath reaction, even though it is no longer founded. When someone asked me if Little Man was two months old when he was five months old, it really hurt me since I felt like he was getting to look more age-appropriate. I guess that is just sticking with me, and frankly, it sucks. I know that the way to get over it is just to have it keep coming up and examine the feelings until I’m good with it and it doesn’t come up anymore.

I know this because I’ve done it before and it’s how I’ve dealt with most of my issues. I just need more time. Like ZoeyJane said, I’ve got a few more years to milk this whole preemie thing.

There’s more to say, but maybe I should keep it for next week. (HA!)

Thank you all for your love and support, it means the world to me.

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August 4th, 2008
Posted in Little Man, Mommyhood, Photos, VDog 19 Comments

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July 28th, 2008
Posted in Bloggy Stuff, Little Man, Mommyhood, Pregnancy, Prematurity, VDog 99 Comments

Heartbreak is knowing your child will be born prematurely, cutting short your time for hoping and dreaming about your baby.

Heartbreak is accepting the fact that your child will be a preemie and that there is nothing you can do to change that fact.

Heartbreak is letting go of all your hopes and excitement for your baby and instead, replacing them with worry and grief.

Heartbreak is seeing your precious baby covered in wires and IV’s at only a few hours old.

Heartbreak is watching your child struggle to breathe — really struggle — with his chest fitfully expanding and then collapsing.

Heartbreak is having your five month old child confused for a two month old.

You know how I squash that heartbreak? With moments like this:

I have this beatiful handmade-by-a-Mama (NOT me, a professional sling maker, lol) ring sling to give away. Leave a comment that you want it and I will give it away on Friday.  Thank you to all of you leaving comments who don’t want the sling — I love you all!
The fabric looks like this, a really pretty neutral:

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July 24th, 2008
Posted in Little Man, Mommyhood, Photos, VDog 14 Comments

Oh Little Man, Little Man, Little Man.

Why, oh WHYYYEEEEE must you wake up at five-forteeeeeee????? I do not understand you, son. I put you to bed, well scratch that, your Father put you to bed at seven the last two nights.

Wednesday morning?? You don’t get up until SEVEN-FIFTY. This morning? Up at five-farking-forty.

I just don’t get you, kid.

CONSISTENCY!! Consistency, dammit!! That’s what Mama needs! That what Mama wants!

I’ve been giving you consistency — don’t you think I deserve some in return?? Please?? Pretty please with Vanilla Crunchin’ Blocks on top?? No?

Ah, well. I still love ya kid.

/end RANT.

Oh yeah, it was my Blogiversary yesterday. Mah baybee is One! Whaaaa! *sniff* *sniff*

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April 7th, 2008
Posted in Breastfeeding, Little Man, Mommyhood, Update, VDog 25 Comments

Two weeks since I last posted. Two weeks. I’ve seriously lost my blogging mojo.

I’m having an internal struggle with the nature of blogging. How much do I want to share? If I don’t want to share some special moments, but feel like blogging them is the only way they are going to get recorded, what do I do?

This blog is largely a way for me to record my son’s progress and life and to explore my new role as a mother. I’m terrible at keeping a diary/journal, and haven’t even purchased a physical baby book for the Little Man. Keeping this blog felt like something I could do — occasionally updating to record his milestones and show my friends and family, and myself, how much he has changed over the last year+.

I’ve been selfish lately, wanting to keep these memories all to myself. But I also understand that these memories get lost, and misremembered, when I don’t record them in some way. And I desperately want to remember every detail…they are already starting to fade.

If I had the courage to ignore the fact that much of my extended family reads this blog, I would tell you about more intimate moments, many of them involving my boobs. Not because I think you’d be interested, but because nursing has been such a HUGE part of our relationship, and it’s important for me to remember and record those moments.

I’d like to tell you (preserve the memory for myself) how we’re still nursing, at least four times a day. How I love laying in bed with him in the morning, having a big nurse, both of us closing our eyes and trying to wake up a little more before starting our day. I’d tell you about how he can find the “target” with such ease and grace now, not even needing assistance from me to begin nursing. It truly amazes me how well he takes care of business now. It is such a dramatic departure from what we were doing a year ago, struggling to stop using the nipple shield.

I would tell you how much it amuses me, and makes me proud, strangely enough, that he bobbles my breast in his hands and opens wide, bringing his comfort deftly to his mouth.

I would tell you about how much part of me wants to wean, and part of me is grasping onto every last moment.

I would tell you about how embarrassing it can be when we’re in public and my son is literally ripping my shirt off because he’s upset or tired and wants to nurse. I would also tell you about how sweet it is that he sometimes just wants to put his hand down my shirt, without urgency, for comfort.

*****

I would tell you about how this blogging thing makes me a bit uncomfortable when I see people in real life who I know keep up with the blog. It is funny when people know what is going on with your life even when you haven’t spoken to them in days or months. I guess that’s the nature of blogging though — to share your life. Yes?

It is surprising to me when people DO mention what they’ve seen on the blog, and also when they DON’T. This makes me censor myself.

*****

I would tell you about how I desperately want to use the Little Man’s real name when I talk about him, but feel like that’s really not an option because of how my family feels about this being a public blog. I just really feel like there is a fakeness to my writing when I can’t really talk about “us.” I’m talking about VDog & Little Man, our online personae, rather than Victoria & her son.

I’m considering using a psuedonym, because while perhaps not any less “fake,” it would at least allow my to use a real name, and not just “Little Man.”

He won’t always be a little man.

*****

I would tell you about how busy my son is keeping me, and how much I am enjoying paying attention to him.

I would tell you about how I am spending more time with my husband. I am more present in my evenings with him when I am not trying to blog at the same time.

*****

In short, my life is very full of wonderful things. Making time to blog has just not been important to me lately. I have a lot of topics I WANT to blog about, but part of me is holding back, because a) I don’t have that much time to blog anymore, and b) I am afraid of overstepping familial boundaries for the sake of a funny or personally fulfilling post.

I’m not sure how much of “me” I’m willing to share.

*****

I got my first offer to review something last week. I am excited to be getting an advance copy of The Rookie Mom’s Handbook. I’ll let you know what I think very soon.

*****

We had Little Man’s fifteen month appointment today. He is doing so well. I’ll fill you in on the complete details later.

*****

If after all this, you STILL care about VDog & Little Man, you may want to consider adding me to your reader or signing up for email updates. That way you’ll know when I actually post again. Either that, or, you know, obsessively check back for updates. Whatever works for you.

Best,
V

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